Onion Article

Man Sued for Impersonating Statue of Liberty

   Fred Liberty was arrested early Monday morning for accusations of impersonating the Statue of Liberty.  Drivers and pedestrians on Lake Street had been complaining for weeks about a man advertising his Tax Offices in a Statue of Liberty costume on the corner with an American Flag.   

    Liberty claims to have had the costume since he was born, and it had been handed down through his family for generations.  "I didn't know I wasn't allowed to wear family heirlooms while at work," said Liberty.  The board of New York is suing Liberty for over 35 million dollars for counts of impersonation of the Statue of Liberty, a landmark that New York is known for. 

    Liberty has plead not guilty to the case, because he claims he has been a part of the Liberty family longer than the Statue of Liberty has even been around.  New York board is arguing the case and petitioning all around the United States in honor of all Americans that have come to this country at one point or another.

   Further investigations show that Liberty has been in therapy for identity loss for over 10 years.  "Liberty suffers from severe identity loss and has been attending my office weekly for the last 10 years.  He has no idea who he is, or where he came from, so he creates his own identities to help him feel complete.  3 years ago he was a distant relative of Donald Trump," said therapist of Liberty, Dr. Johnson.  Dr. Johnson is a licensed therapist for people suffering from identity loss and has worked with hundreds of people.  

   The trial is set for May 3rd, the New York board is hoping that Liberty does not change his identity before then because then all arguments and the case will be gone. 

Blog Uno

     This morning when I woke up I was feeling a little under the weather.  I had the sudden urge to have a cup of coffee and eat a donut but I couldn't decide where it was coming from.  I don't even own a coffee maker nor do I eat donuts.  I decided to get ready for work and stop for coffee on the way.

     But, to my surprise, I opened my closet to a whole new wardrobe.  All i saw were blue uniforms.  These aren't my J.Crew pants... Where are my Vince Camuto's? What is that smell? WHOSE DOG IS LAYING ON THE FLOOR?

I was in shock.  There was a dog on my floor and the only shoes I could see were all black sneakers... I couldn't help but ask myself, "did I just wake up as a k-9 police officer?"

     The first thing I discovered while on duty was my dogs name, Bali, and that he gave a real mean look. 

     It was about 12:30am and Loveland, Bali, and I were just patrolling neighborhoods.  We saw 3 men come around a dark corner and at the same time we saw a car driving down the street with all doors open.  They were trying to be the bail out car apparently.  Very low key.  We pulled the car over and asked the driver to step out.  Bali was going crazy.  I asked him where every one was, and he claimed his doors were just broken.  All four of them. Yup.  So we continued to question him, but apparently the locks are broken and they never remain closed.  

     There was nothing we could do at that point but let the guy go.  So as he gets back into his car, he closes all the doors. They closed.

     The crazy things k-9 officers have to deal with! All I could think was that was some adventure, huh?  I had never dreamt of waking up as a k-9 officer...